Constructive Living Basics
Lesson 1: What's Controllable?
by Patricia Ryan Madson
Constructive Living aims at
helping a person see the world realistically and act on that knowledge
in practical and constructive ways. In assessing any situation a first
question that we ask is: what is controllable and what is not? If we hunt
for the Constructive Living "bones," as Santa Rosa, CA instructor Gregory
Willms called the 'essentials of this paradigm,' a good beginning place
is with the issue of controllability.
The question of what is controllable is central to realistic thinking and
action. It makes no sense to put effort into controlling what is essentially
uncontrollable. And yet, this is what many of us do or try to do. Here
we use the term "control" in a quite literal way. Control indicates that
something is possible. . .all the time. Having control does not necessarily
mean that it is easy, only that it is possible. We use the words "can"
and "can't" to reflect this meaning and urge our students to be clear in
their speech. "I just can't seem to exercise lately," says Mary. I point
out that she is not speaking accurately. She actually can exercise; she
simply hasn't recently, I remind her.
Lets look at the list of what is not controllable: the weather, other people's
actions, other people's opinions, the outcome of events, my thoughts, my
feelings, my moods. When we look realistically at life we see that a great
deal of it is not directly controllable. What is controllable, then? My
own behavior is always controllable. With a very few exceptions (stuttering,
trembling and impotence) my behavior, that is, what I do at all times is
fully within my control. Sometimes action is difficult. For example I notice
that having the flu as I write this article makes me feel lethargic; it
doesn't, however, prevent my fingers from typing the words of this lesson.
Writing is possible. It is behavior. I can do that action, even while "not
in the mood." I do it because it needs to be done.
This can be a startling fact for many of us who have believed that "motivation"
of some kind must precede action. What a relief to discover that I need
not fix my feeling or my self esteem or my motivation in order to act.
Realistically we know that life can't be perpetually easy, comfortable,
"exciting" all the time. As we gain maturity we accept this as reality.
The "good news" is that my behavior is in my control at all times. I don't
need to wait for motivation, inspiration, or self esteem to act. I can
act on what needs to be done because it fulfills a purpose. I can act now.
My behavior is always controllable.
Homework: Pick one action that needs doing on a regular basis: (flossing
teeth, walking, doing dishes, changing the cat's water,etc.) Chose a set
time of the day and do the needed action at the same time each day for
one week.
Lesson #2: The
Laws of Feeling
Last updated on October 9, 2002
Patricia Ryan Madson is a certified Constructive Living Instructor
clinfo@redjellyfish.net